As much as we love a good session between the sheets, encountering a guy’s swimmers isn’t always ideal—especially when baby making isn’t your goal. From texture to terrible aim, read on for 10 not-so-secret reasons why semen is our least-favorite part of sex. Ew.
1. To Start, There’s the Name
Semen, jizz, cum—whatever you call it, it’s nearly impossible to say it with a straight face—or without gagging.
2. RIP, Red Lace Bustier From Agent Provocateur
Obviously, it was sexy. So sexy, in fact, that his jizz went right for it at climax. This is why we can’t have nice things.
3. You Might Think He's Capable of Aiming That Thing, But You Would Be Wrong
Sure, he makes a mean risotto and knows exactly where to find your ever-elusive G-spot. But his penis-eye coordination is very, very poor. Why didn't they teach this in college?
4. Semen Loves Hair (Hair Hates Semen)
For some reason, his man juice is very attracted to your hair. And lucky for you, nothing ruins a blowout quite like sperm. His inability to come where he promised means you're going to have to wash your hair again this week. You might be able to hide dirty hair, but there's no style that makes semen hair okay.
5. The Flavor of the Day is Always a Surprise
Sure, a fruit salad might make his goo taste a bit better, but chances are he had beer and garlic bread last night. Like mama's box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get—in your mouth.
6. It's Invisible—Until it Isn't
The magical powers of sperm turn his liquid baby-making juice from clear into dried white patches that look like peeling skin or old Elmer's Glue.
7. It's Sticky AF
Like Spider-Man's web-shooter thing, this stuff is tough as hell to get off of you. If he's coming anywhere outside of a condom or your lady parts, you're going to have to get your Mr. Clean on ASAP if you to go about your day without pet hair, lint, or who knows what else sticking to his Gorrilla Glue-like spunk.
8. Your Dry Cleaner Judges You for It
Your friendly laundress might pretend like she believes you spilled yogurt on your black silk cami, but she definitely knows what you've been up to. Just smile and nod, my friend. She's probably jealous.
9. For Reasons Unknown, Some Guys Think Giving You a "Facial" Via Their Penis Is Hot
We're fully supportive of kinky sexual fantasies, but until that stuff is proven non-comedogenic, no thank you.
All gifs courtesy of giphy.com.