19 Slang Terms for Erections, Ranked in Order of Genius

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Erections. They’re one of the most basic and important elements of sex. They’re powerful, strong, and fun to play with. So why are we so often stuck calling them “boners,” a name that makes us feel juvenile and a little gross? If saying the “b” word is a grade-A uncomfortable experience for you, fear not. We’ve compiled the definitive ranking of other solid options. 

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19. Stiffy

This one has a decidedly youthful feel to it—like, junior high youthful. Not exactly a good thing.

3/19 ,
18. Twig-N-Berries

Doesn't it sound like a British dessert? It's sure to make for a steamy tea time—provided saying it doesn't make you giggle too much.

4/19 ,
17. Bud

Kind of makes us want to play catch with it. Not sure if men would appreciate that.

5/19 ,
16. Sconge

Does this have another meaning? It sounds like something we’d put a candle in. Points for obscurity, though.

6/19 ,
15. Tent Pole

For the outdoorsy type. 

7/19 ,
14. Custard Slinger

Um, check please. 

8/19 ,
13. Ding Dong

Whimsical, alliterative, and, if we’re honest, not the sexiest word in the world. 

9/19 ,
12. Blue Steel

This one makes it sound like a superhero. Let’s just hope it’s not faster than a speeding bullet. 

10/19 ,
11. Full Salute

Some boners do inspire a sort of reverence. 

11/19 ,
10. Throbbing Whistle

When they work correctly, they do help make some beautiful music—although this isn't the most fun visual.

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8. Morning Glory

This is a rather delicate and pretty name for something that so often comes part and parcel with morning breath. 

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7. Wood

For when your partner has a certain rustic charm to him. 

14/19 ,
6. Purple Homewrecker

Fun, naughty, and with an oddly specific story implied. 

15/19 ,
5. Hard On

Perhaps the most common name for our little friend, this one is simple, elegant, and versatile. 

16/19 ,
4. One-Eyed Trouser Snake

Paying tribute to the animalistic and primal elements of his man parts. 

17/19 ,
3. Raging Salmon

For the boner that’s fun, feisty, and good for your heart. 

18/19 ,
2. Pocket Rocket

Fire away!...Assuming it’s a nice big pocket. 

19/19 ,
1. Man’s Best Friend

Ain’t. That. The. Truth. 

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