Most guys are straight-up clueless when it comes to dick pics. Technology has given men the ability to expose their junk in the hopes of winning our affection, yet they squander that opportunity time and time again.
If you’re going to be bold enough to send photographic evidence of your peen, make sure you take the time to do it right.
Here are some dos and don’ts to live by:
1. Extreme close-up doesn’t translate to extreme size. We know you think size matters, but please take heed: The more you zoom in, the more likely we are to ask ourselves, "What the hell am I looking at?" The ultra close-up doesn’t make your man parts appear any bigger, just more terrifying.
2. There is no perfect angle. It doesn’t matter how you aim your phone, man: A dick is a dick. They’re not that aesthetically pleasing. If you’re really serious about getting the perfect penis portrait for the special lady in your life, hire a professional photographer. Actually, never mind, it’ll still just be a dick pic.
3. The bathroom mirror is not your friend. In general, bathroom mirror selfies are hands-down the worst of them all. That florescent lighting flatters no one, and you just seem awkward. Throw your nether region into the mix? Forget it. We're definitely gonna swipe left.
4. Trim your damn pubic hair. It’s hard to focus on the star of the show when the background actors are looking gnarly. If you’re going to take the time to capture that sweet D on film, make sure he’s framed in a way that really makes him shine. If necessary, book an appointment for a blowout, because you’re worth it.
5. Ask for permission, not forgiveness. This should go without saying, but unsolicited wiener snaps are always a no-go. We’re sure yours is fantastic, but it’s still incredibly jarring to see a naked penis when you aren’t expecting it.
6. It’s not always the best first impression. The only thing worse than the aforementioned unsolicited dick pic is the unsolicited dick pic from a total stranger. Can we share a meal before we start sharing body part images, please?
7. Accept that this photo will be public domain. Face the cold, hard fact that the recipient is most certainly going to show your “goods” to her friends, especially if you two aren’t well acquainted. There really is no way around it.
8. Leave your balls out of this. The penis isn’t necessarily the most attractive body part, but we’re picking up what you’re putting down when you send it. So we’ll try to make the best of it, but the rest of your genitals? Some things are just better left behind the scenes, if you know what we mean. (We mean your balls. We're talking about your balls.)
9. Take your pants off. Something about a picture of a peen peeping out of a zipper or boxers feels really creepy. If you’re going to show us your most prized possession in all its naked glory, might as well showcase it on a blank canvas, you know, really make it pop.
10. Leave your face out of the picture. This is just common sense. You never know when a relationship could go south, causing a former flame to release your privates to the world in a fit of blind rage. We hope that doesn’t happen, but we wouldn’t take any chances. The only thing in that frame should be your D…unless you want the internet to know that impressive specimen belongs to you. If that’s the case, we’d opt for a smile, not a duck face.