‘Marry me or I will kill myself,’ — why you should never date men who say this!

If your life was a quintessential Bollywood masala movie whose script was written by scriptwriters from the 80s with a distorted idea of romance, then a proposal from a guy who says — ‘Marry me or I will kill myself, because you are my world,’ might have swept you off your feet. Because our idea of romance and relationship fuelled by watching those Bollywood movies have made us believe that cribbing for love and scribbling messages on a paper with blood is sacred. Astonishing that even millennials fall for this kind of crass, so why should we blame the lover boys and their romantic other halves of yesteryear. Here are few signs of an abusive relationship that you should know.

Your logic, common sense, judgement of the good from the bad, leaves you when a proposal like that lands to you with a red rose in hand, bent on one knee, uttering those words that sound like magic. Of course, everyone might not fall into this trap, but in most cases, people living a fast-paced life, where loneliness dwells deep within and the heart yearns for a comforting companionship, one might just give in. Here are ways to get a guy to genuinely like you.

‘The idea seems romantic to many, so when someone says he/she might kill oneself for the sake of love, the other person fails to see the enormity of destruction that is there in this situation. Remember, love is never about the destruction it is about faith, comfort and security. But if a relationship starts on a threatening note, it doesn’t take too long to turn into an abusive form,’ says Dr Sanghanayak Meshram, psychiatrist and sexologist, Mumbai.

Love was never supposed to be a power struggle — neither do you need to dominate nor act meek for attention in a relationship. People who resort to death threats or threaten to self-harm to woo their love interest are missing the point that – it is not love — it is infatuation coated with a toxic passion and a stubbornness triggered by fear of rejection. People suffering from low self-esteem have this deep-rooted fear of rejection that drives them towards crazy behaviours. They usually try to dominate in a relationship and can never take a ‘no’ as an answer from their partner. Here are signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Here Dr Sanghanayak further explains which kind of personalities can threaten self-harm when it comes to wooing their love interest

People suffering from borderline personality disorder

It is difficult to identify them, they suffer from a personality disorder where they experience intense mood swings, showcase impulsive behaviours and resort to extreme reactions like self-harm or harm others. They might also have a history of unstable relationships that can change drastically from intense love to intense hate. They indulge in risky, self-destructive and dangerous behaviours, including reckless driving, drug or alcohol abuse and threats to get what they want.

‘For people who suffer from the borderline personality disorder, there is no grey area in life. They can either be good or all bad. They can either go to one extreme to please their love interest or become violent to an extent that they might physically harm their partner. Their desire for their partner is not out of love but fear of rejection.

‘They will usually be passionate when they come with their proposal. But to avoid rejection they would play the trick of threats. But this passion isn’t going to last forever. For people with such a personality disorder, their passion dies down very soon once they have achieved what they wanted and averted the rejection. Next, they will be on a lookout for something else that fuels their passion. These people want everything out of life but value nothing. This is why they usually don’t get to enjoy a stable relationship,’ explains Meshram.

People who come from an affluent background

We aren’t saying that all affluent kids turn to become abusers, but they do develop the traits if their behaviours are not monitored during childhood. Kids who grow up in a much secured environment — both financially and socially — also develop a kind of insecurity within them. They can never accept the fact that life can deny them a lot of things that life is not always fair. When it comes to other people and personalities, it is difficult for them to realise that others can have opinions of their own, which might not comply with theirs.

‘These kids are in a habit of living in luxury and excess, they want things their way. They might have even blackmailed their elders to get things done and tried to petrify parents with threats of self-harm. They are unable to deal with rejection as they have never had a ‘no’ for any of their demands. If they realise that they don’t have a chance to get away with their demand, they threaten. These threats are usually due to fear which arises from insecurity. This insecurity is the anxiety they have of venturing into the unknown territory which is denial. Deep down they know they are incapable of dealing with it.

‘Even if the other person gets into a relationship just to stop the lover from committing any self-harm, remember the relationship is going to start off in an abusive mode. Inflicting fear on a person to comply with one’s desire is a subtle form of abuse,’ says Dr Meshram.

People who are a victim of abusive relationship or witnessed abuse in relationships

Both these kinds think that abuse is normal in a relationship. ‘For kids who grow up seeing the father cheat or physically abuse the mother, think that it is a part of a relationship, as the mother never opposes it. Similarly, for people who have been in abusive relationships, they think that abusing the other person or threatening them is fine. They don’t understand that abuse doesn’t build but break the relationship and kills trust among partners. They might threaten to self-harm or harm the partner to comply with certain needs or demands. If you give in once, you are then paving way for more abuse in future,’ explains Dr Meshram.

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