Once we get settled in our marriage we stop doing that little thing that actually matters for the survival of a marriage. The...
A woman in the Loving FLR Community posted about her frustrations with dating in the forums. It seems that she has put in a lot of effort to find a FLR partner by putting out ads online and sharing her desire with every man she meets. She has not had any luck finding someone who wants to give her control of the relationship. After I casually replied to her post in the forums I sat back and thought about her issue and I realized the root of it. She’s trying too hard to find a partner for a FLR and maybe you are too.
When you decide that you want a new pair of jeans you create an image in your mind of the pair of jeans you want and you go out to the store to find the jeans that you hold in your imagination. You’re in a rush to find your fantasy jeans and you won’t settle for anything else. While there are so many styles, colors and designers to choose from, you bypass all of these choices because your mind is fixed on finding the pair that you imagine. You won’t try on anything that doesn’t fit what you have in mind. You won’t consider any jeans that are not in your price range. You may even have a bias against certain designers because of their reputation so you will never consider their jeans at all.
How long will it take you to find the perfect pair? How many stores must you visit before you find what you want? How do you know that the jeans you imagine are the best fit for you when you won’t even give other jeans a chance?
The issue I am seeing over and over again with people seeking to create FLRs is the fact that they are only looking for one aspect of the relationship instead of understanding that there are so many options and combinations that could help to create what they want. They reject the relationships that present themselves in favor of seeking their fantasies. A fantasy is a fantasy; it’s supposed to be enjoyed in your mind. Reality is different; there are always dualities to reality and that is what makes it real.
A slice of chocolate cake is like a gift from heaven when it’s warm from the oven and freshly sliced. After a while, the slice of cake becomes cold and hard and you may have to reheat it to try to get it back to its original state.Â It may never retain its original luster. That’s reality. It doesn’t mean that you should avoid eating cake.
The complaints I hear are the same:
- There’s no one who wants to give me control.
- I can’t find a woman to take control.
- There’s no one in my city who can lead me.
- I want a woman to mold me.
- All of these men only want me to dominate them and force them to do things.
- They introduce me to FLR and then drop out of sight because I am not dominant enough for them.
To these complaints I say: STOP LOOKING FOR A FLR.
STOP LOOKING FOR THAT PERFECT PAIR OF JEANS IN YOUR IMAGINATION.
It seems to me that many of you are not looking for a romantic relationship at all. You are looking for immediate fulfillment of your fantasies. It seems to me that the men are looking for a boss and women are looking for a subordinate assistant. If the men would go put in job applications then they would have the boss they seek IMMEDIATELY. If women would start a business and hire someone then they would have the assistant they seek IMMEDIATELY. Voluntary relationships take time to develop.
Creating a Loving FLR with anyone doesn’t have to be so complicated. All you have to do is STOP FORCING IT.
To create a Loving FLR with any woman, all you have to do is find someone you enjoy spending time with, figure out what makes her happy and then do it. Be consistent in showing your concern for her well-being. When you want to take things a step further, ask her if there is anything you can do to make her smile and do those extra things. Experiment and create ways to make her smile and see which ones work best. Tell her that she should always be honest about how she feels about your relationship even if it isn’t positive. Tell her you want to know how she truly feels so that you can work through things. Tell her that she should never hold back. This helps her to feel comfortable with correcting your behavior when it does not meet her standards.
Your objective is to make sure she is always smiling and she feels she has the freedom to express her true feelings to you. If you require anything other than that you are not looking for a Loving FLR, you are looking for a dominatrix to serve you. Go hire one.
To create a Loving FLR with any man, all you have to do is find someone you enjoy spending time with without thinking about controlling him or demanding that he be willing to be controlled. Decide on a few things that he can do to make you smile and ask him to do those things. If your requests are not outrageous and he likes you he will do them. If he does do those things then show him appreciation for his effort with lots of love and reciprocity.
If he doesn’t do the simple things that you request right away this may indicate that he is not the one for you, but not in all cases. Most PEOPLE have to have an extreme amount of admiration for someone else in order to follow their lead. If he is hesitating about doing the things you request, it may mean that he hasn’t developed that kind of admiration for you yet. It doesn’t mean he is not a good person.
He cannot have that kind of admiration for you if you have just met. Have you taken the time to show concern for his well-being? Have you invested any time in showing him you care about him? How is he going to agree to be led by you if he has not seen your leadership in action? Have you done anything to be worthy of admiration besides stating that you want a FLR? Give yourself an honest assessment. Are you creating a life for yourself that is worthy of admiration? Are you making changes in the lives of others with your leadership? How can he tell that your advice is wise? Have you given him any advice that has helped him to grow? Why should he listen to you and follow you as soon as you meet him? A man who respects what you have created with your own life will follow your lead because he wants a piece of what you have created with your own life. He wants to go with you.Â Followers follow people they admire.Â A leader leads; they don’t have to request to lead.
When you want to take things a step further, kindly assess those traits of his that you believe he should improve upon and offer to help him to improve them. If he takes your suggestions as love offerings that means that he trusts you and admires your leadership. If he does not accept your suggestions and becomes defensive that means he does not trust you or your leadership- yet. Sometimes it takes a while for a man to trust your leadership. Since you already enjoy his company you can continue to enjoy his company without requiring that he comply with your every wish. He has to feel comfortable with you and to trust that you have his best interests in mind. Smart men don’t desire a woman insisting that things go her way if he doesn’t feel love for her. If he becomes more comfortable with you and you see that he begins to place your happiness as a priority than you have found a good match. If he never places your happiness as a priority then don’t force him to do it, keep him as a friend and don’t sleep with him. It’s never a loss.
You Can Do This
Please stop forcing a FLR. Stop looking for the perfect pair of jeans and try on lots of different pairs and styles. Look at yourself in the mirror. Bend. Stretch. Dance. Jump. Do a model walk. Just because you have this idea of what your perfect jeans should look like in your imagination doesn’t mean it will be the best fit for you. Those fantasy jeans may be a good fit, but are they the best fit? Give yourself the space and freedom to embrace the best by not forcing limitations on what the best looks like. You may surprise yourself.