When Love Hurts

One more reason to love orgasms: They mask pain, thanks to the endorphin flood. The rub? While in the throes, you might not notice a sensation that would normally hurt. Learn from our not-so-fun nooky accidents and start getting it on without getting wounded. Ready, set, have safe sex!

Ouch #1 Bruise

Overly enthusiastic thrusting, groping, kissing, or sucking can result in an unwelcome shiner or the dreaded hickey.

Rx: It's a bummer — a bruise usually lasts a couple of weeks. But decreasing blood flow to the area will limit its size, says Jeffrey R. Bytomski, D.O., a physician at Duke University Medical Center. To do: Ice bruise for 20 to 30 minutes three times a day for first 2 days and wrap it with a bandage.

Next time: There's no preventing the odd bruise in the sack. But if your slender beau's pelvic bone juts into you, place a folded fleece scarf at the point of impact (use it later around his wrists). And if he attacks your neck like Tom Cruise in Interview with the Vampire, break out the garlic and run.

Ouch #2 Overextended Muscle

You contorted Ringling Bros.-style last night, and today you feel like you scaled Mount Rushmore.

Rx: Rest and stretch. To ease any soreness still lingering 24 to 36 hours later, apply heat for 20 to 30 minutes, two or three times a day, Dr. Bytomski says. But if you're too lame to even consider bedroom gymnastics after 24 hours, see a doc to rule out a torn muscle.

Next time: Stay limber with this full-body move four times a week, says yoga instructor Kristin McGee. Frog Pose: Squat, bending your knees out to the sides at 90-degree angles and rest your forearms on the floor. Gently press your butt down. Hold for 30 to 60 seconds.

Ouch #3 Rug Burn

Carpets aren't the only offenders. Wood floors, sheets, and even the backseat of your Jetta can rub skin the wrong way.

Rx: Clean the wound with soap and warm water, air dry, and apply an antibiotic ointment like Neosporin. Cover with a nonstick bandage to keep the spot clean, Dr. Bytomski says. Change it daily, removing it for good once a scab forms.

Next time: Switch to high-thread-count sheets. Higher equals softer. Or toss a cushy blanket like the Fascinator Throe ($85, Liberator) over any surface you tumble on. Avoid anything made from terry cloth or scratchy wool.

Ouch #4 Vaginal Irritation

It happens when (a) you aren't lubricated enough, (b) you have a bad reaction to a lube or a vibrator, or (c) he didn't wash his hands well enough after slicing a chili pepper (true story — yikes).

Rx: Thanks to its cell-shedding process and natural cleansing acids, your vagina is self-healing. Avoid inserting anything (including his penis, tampons, or vibrators) for 48 hours — the time it takes to mend. Soothe discomfort with a warm water bath (no soap) twice a day, says Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University Medical Center in New York City.

Next time: Demand generous foreplay: It takes anywhere from 30 seconds to several minutes once you're aroused before you naturally lubricate. Test a new lube on your inner labia and wait a few hours for a reaction before a full-on slather. And, if jalapenos are involved, vigorous handwashing with a washcloth and warm, soapy water is in order. Avoid: jelly rubber toys containing phthalates, chemicals that irritate tender tissue.

Wounded Willie

Wild sex could put his Johnson in jeopardy
If an enthusiastic thrust misses its mark and hits your pubic bone instead, he could tear his tunica albuginea (erectile tissue). You?ll hear a pop — followed by an unprintable verbal outburst. Get him to the ER, pronto. He?ll need a surgical procedure to repair the tear and prevent scar tissue, says Drogo K. Montague, M.D., head of genitourethral reconstruction at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation. Luckily, a broken banger is rare, but younger guys, take note: Harder erections are more likely to snap.
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