What a Guy’s Skivvies Say About Him

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While women have seemingly endless underwear options, men are pretty much stuck with the basics. It’s why women’s underwear is often in the “hosiery” or “intimates” or “lingerie” section, while men’s underwear is always in “basics.” Sometimes, it’s just in a pile in the corner of the Macy’s, near all the weird-flavored olive oils and discounted Indiana Pacers iPod cases. But you can tell a lot about a guy from what he considers “basic” underwear. Find out what his preferred undies say about him.

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Tighty Whities

This guy is either your dad or is doing Breaking Bad cosplay. A baffling choice in 2015 given the last 30 years of popular culture have painted the basic white men’s brief as the lamest possible thing to wrap around your butt. Certainly not the underwear of choice for any guy expecting to see a lady in a sexual setting. Nearly 75 percent of tighty whiteys are purchased by men who have given up.

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Black Briefs

The choice for men who like the restrictive nature of tighty whities but want their junk to look like a stealth fighter jet. They may have an air of danger about them, but remember that dark-colored underwear is also more...let’s say “forgiving” to stains.

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Baggy Boxers

Are you at this guy’s Bar Mitzvah? If not, he is clearly not adult enough for a relationship and thinks the best place to hook up is an R-rated movie (one he snuck into). The best option is to steal all his baggy boxers and knit them into a quilt, with each panel representing a different terrible choice he’s made in underwear. He doesn’t even like the Toronto Maple Leafs—why did he need those boxers!?

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Tight Boxers

Also known as low-cut boxers, these are not as embarrassing as a middle schooler’s underwear but indicate your man is intimately familiar with the term “hanging brain.” If you don’t know what that means, it’s that thing where you think he maybe has chewing gum stuck to the bottom of his boxers, but it’s actually his beanbag. 

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Cotton Boxer-Briefs

Not a child, not yet an old man. These are a popular choice for most men, but color matters. If these are the basic white variety, your man may look like he is wearing a diaper. That is not a turn-on for most. Sorry for implanting that image.

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'Performance' Boxer-Briefs

The stretch kind, made from the same material they use to coat Formula 1 racecars. They're also advertised on giant billboards by giant muscled models with giant members. If your guy has an eight-pack, more power to him. For the rest of us, these are aspirational undies. They are allegedly “body-shaping,” but there’s only so much shaping possible if you’ve got a lot of body. Flabby, sad, gross body.

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Man Thong

Is your guy European? Cool! Is he American? Yikes.

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Long Underwear

Is he a lumberjack? Cool! Is he not? Honestly...still pretty cool. The butt flap is practical and stylish!

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'Fundies'

OMG he’s got Dachshunds on his underwear! Hilarious! They look like penises! This guy is so fun. Wait, are those original Superman Underoos? So cool and retro! He…wait, those are actually original Underoos? Like, from when he was a toddler? [Opens Uber app --> ignores surge pricing --> desperately searches for “Teleportation” option.]

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Ladies' Underwear

Not for the shy guy. Seems like the type of thing he’ll tell you within five minutes on your first Tinder date, right after he tells you about his vape pen and his love for Crossfit. 

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No Underwear

A man who laughs in the face of danger. A man with a sexy secret. A man who has forgotten to do laundry for two weeks and has no problem with extreme friction burns.

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