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It’s highly likely that your spouse had sex with previous dating partners before you. And for a lot of people, a partner’s sexual past can be a dicey topic to think about, let alone discuss.
Maybe they’ve had a more colorful sexual experience than you do, maybe not. But what happened to your spouse in the spouse is your responsibility to get over.
But let’s face it, sometimes it’s not easy to deal with your partner’s sexual past. You may feel jealous or inadequate or insecure.
The thing is, you can get over it. It’s possible that we’re just hard-wired to get rid of sexual competitors, a drive that’s left over from our ancestors. But we can control this impulse, and we may even learn from it and improve our relationship.
Here’s what you have to remember regarding your partner’s sexual past.
The first thing you have to remember is this is your issue. Your jealousy is your responsibility. You cannot make your partner feel guilty about how you feel, about something that doesn’t really affect the present. Don’t stew in your feelings, do something and move on.
If you don’t like it, what can you do about it? What can they do about it? You can’t just go back in time and change the past. (We don’t have the technology yet.)
So with regards to time, all you need it is the time to deal with it. Just don’t punish someone else for what you are feeling. It was before you’ve met, and it can’t be undone.
It had nothing to do with you because they didn’t know you then. That’s their business.
If everything about them worked for you before you even knew about their sexual past, then that’s what matters, not their past or your partner’s sexual past in particular. It’s about your relationship now and how your spouse treats you in the now. If you think they’re not treating you right at present, then that could be a probably cause for your misgivings that’s tied to their sexual past.
If you’ve decided that you love your partner, then you must love them in their entirety, past, present, and future. Their past made them who they are now–the person you love. To punish your partner about their past just sends the message that you don’t really love them, or that you are selective about your “love”.
Barring any STDs, your partner’s sexual past is their business and theirs alone. When they tell you about it, they care enough about you and trust you enough to be honest to you. This honesty nurtures an open line of communication between the two you.
Be honest but be mindful of your feelings, words, and actions when you start communicating your misgivings about your partner’s sexual past. Don’t just irrationally blame your partner for your feelings regarding their past behavior.
If you’re with someone who’s had a long (and perhaps rich) sexual history, that can just mean they know enough about sex to be a lot better at it. Count yourself lucky: they could enrich your sexual life together, and you don’t have to deal with their awkward phase.
Jealousy, perhaps in tiny amounts, can show your partner how much you want them. But only as long as the jealousy is reasonable. If you’re jealous about your partner’s flirtatious friend, go ahead, be jealous. But being jealous of ghosts of your partner’s sexual past? Don’t. It’s not reasonable.
It doesn’t matter if they’ve had sex in ways that you can only get jealous about. The ball is now in your court: you are your partner’s present. Make this the best you’ve both had. It’s not about how a person has sex, it’s about intimacy, love, and connection.
This jealousy on your partner is a result of an inactive mind trying to focus on something that isn’t even there. So try to do something. Move. Engage yourself and each other. Be committed to spending time together and making new memories that are better than any of you has ever had.
If you know your partner and you trust them, you don’t have to worry about their past affecting your present or immediate future together. Don’t think in terms of “promiscuity” or “insatiable sexual appetites”. That’s just distancing yourself from the person you know now and trying to possess a part of themselves (their past) that you have no control over. Focus on the now.
What’s more, love your partner in their entirety. Their past belongs to them and them alone. It’s part of them. So love them as a whole.
Source: Good Men Project
You can also read: Healthy and unhealthy jealousy in marriage: What’s the difference?
Republished with permission from: theAsianParent Singapore
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