My wife wants me to have sex with my colleague

I am a 33-year old married man and I am in a big dilemma. My wife, who is of the same age as me, isn't very interested in having sex since she is not good at it. So, she suggested that I should try having sex with one of my female colleagues and she chose a girl from my office.

Since I was a bit sexually frustrated, I befriended my colleague and we grew close. One day, when my wife wasn't home, I invited my colleague to my place and we had sex. It was a wonderful experience and she was far better than my wife. When I told my wife about the experience and also revealed that my colleague was really good at it, my wife got very excited and she wanted to talk to my colleague. My wife now wants to learn from my colleague! I was shocked and do not know if something is wrong with her. I don't know how my colleague will react if she gets to know about this. Please help me. –By Anonymous

Answer by Ms. Zankhana Joshi : It can be difficult to deal with sexual incompatibility in your marriage, which can itself get exhausting. The dilemma of being sexually involved with a work colleague, which your own wife had chosen for you, can further complicate matter. It can get more difficult to discuss the encounter and then have both your partners talk to each other about it. Thus, I am glad you are seeking help for the same.

From what you have shared, it seems that you and your wife have a strong emotional connection and are able to be honest and open with each other. But somehow, both are not able to experience a satisfying sexual life with each other. Sexual compatibility is a very important part of a satisfying relationshipw.

I would first recommend consulting a specialist to identify the cause of the sexual difficulty faced by your wife. They would identify if there is a physiological or psychological reason behind this and treat it accordingly.

Our society discourages women from being sexually expressive and free, imposing a lot of inhibitions, especially, post puberty. Soon after marriage, a girl is expected to lift the taboo and reconcile the emotion to freely experience it with her husband, which can sometimes be very difficult for some women. Women are also expected to be erotically coy, shy and inhibited. Carrying this image in mind, they are not able to give themselves permission to fully experience the pleasure and freely express it. This mental conflict can result is sexual dysfunction if there is no physical cause diagnosed. Sometimes it can also be a delayed response to the neglect, emotional abuse, and other forms of trauma that might have occured during childhood which manifests as difficulty in adult sexuality. Taking a specialist's opinion would be highly recommended here.

I would suggest that you should first attempt to help your wife and work on your marriage before bringing in the added complication of a third person for sexual satisfaction. What seems like a dispassionate and selfless manner in which you wife is scouting for a partner for you, is actually her way of preserving the relationship because she may be aware of the sexual inhibitions or difficulties she is facing.

But my sense is that both of you are underestimating how unpredictable this situation could quickly become. You are already wondering what to say to your colleague to handle your wife's expectation of learning from her. What happens if you fall in love with your colleague or if she gets pregnant? What does it mean for your relationship with your wife?

Thus, instead of talking to your colleague to learn to improve your sex life, your wife would be better off seeking professional help. You, with your patience, understanding, support and willingness to discuss her problems non-judgmentally, can play a big role in helping her too. You can make her feel secure by making her understand that you can work this out together and she doesn't run the risk of losing you. You should let her know that you would help her overcome her sexual difficulty rather than have a physical relationship with your colleague. This will make her want to work on it too. I understand how debilitating your condition can be, but if you're concerned about its impact on your marriage, start by having an honest conversation with the woman you're married to.

With time, I have noticed couples overcome their sexual difficulties and find their balance by working on their differences. Taking help from a specialist can resolve these issues effectively. I believe, long-term relationships require hard work. It requires you to be supportive while the other heals. I would say be good to each other, be patient and you will find that your love will live through the challenges.

Ms. Zankhana Joshi is a Mumbai based Counseling Psychologist and a Dance Movement Therapy Practitioner

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