If Nonfamous Couples Gave Official Breakup Statements

Gwen and Gavin. Jen and Ben. Miss Piggy and Kermit. This year has been full of some of the most devastating breakups (and we weren't even part of the relationship!). And we have to admit, we're impressed with how amicably a lot of these splits turned out and how mature both parties acted. Which got us thinking...what if real people, like the kinds who don't sell their wedding photos to magazines for millions of dollars, also gave official statements on their breakups? What would that even sound like? Perhaps a little like this...

"After many texts to our mutual friends, two Match.com profile updates, countless passive-aggressive comments about cleaning styles, our parents, and pronunciation of the word espresso, Stacy and Matt have made the difficult decision to separate. They go forward with a mixture of anger, resentment, and if-we-were-on-an-elevator-that-got-stuck-we'd-probably-hook-up-one-more-time desire for one another, as well as a commitment to their mutual pug, who, let's be honest, has always liked Stacy more. This will be their only comment on this private matter, although Stacy will be happy to talk over a bottle of pinot noir (especially since Matt could never drink red wine without spilling it all over himself). Thank you to friends for understanding...except for Dave, who Stacy still believes is a bad influence on Matt. And while we're on the subject, Stacy would like to say that she saw Dave's text to Matt that they 'head to Vegas to meet someone new' and is just saying, as a friend, it's a dumb idea."

For more stories like this, pick up the November issue of Women's Health, on newsstands now.

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