Being in a relationship means you're pretty much guaranteed to get some...right?
In reality, sometimes it doesn’t happen as much as you’d like for a variety of reasons. Maybe your S.O. is stressed out at work or you just had a baby and you both can only vaguely remember what it felt like to get more than a few hours of sleep at a time.
Whatever the reason, not having enough sex just plain sucks.
But don't worry...you’re not alone.
“It is one of the main complaints I hear about in sex therapy,” says clinical sexologist Kat van Kirk, Ph.D., author of The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to Saving Your Sex Life. “Couples can have very different biorhythms, indication patterns, and ways they process stress—all of which can negatively affect sexuality."
You could just go with it and silently hope things get better. Or you could speak up and do something about it already. Here’s how to go out there and get some.
PLAY UP HOW HOT HE IS
While complaining about your blue balls may be tempting, it's only going to make your S.O. get defensive and shut down.
"Couples can have very different biorhythms, indication patterns, and ways they process stress—all of which can negatively affect sexuality."
Instead, van Kirk recommends talking about how much he turns you on. While you’re at it, mention that you want more sex because, hello, he’s making you all hot and bothered. That creates a more positive spin and ups the odds it’ll be received well (and you’ll get what you want), says van Kirk.
REINFORCE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE IT
If you’re not getting it enough because things have been hectic (with work, life, a kid, etc.), van Kirk says to make it a priority to squeeze in a quickie whenever you can, like in the shower or before running errands.
"While complaining about your blue balls may be tempting, it's only going to make your S.O. get defensive and shut down."
Then, tell your partner after the fact how hot the experience was to underscore how awesome you think it is when you actually do have sex.
Opportunist sex (i.e. getting busy when you can) “seems to take the pressure off, gets away from attempting to schedule in mechanical sex, and creates more emotional connection between partners, despite whatever stress is going on in their lives,” says van Kirk. And reinforcing it should lead to more of the same good thing.
“I strive to have couples redefine what sex means to them and to be more inclusive about what behaviors they employ,” says van Kirk. That means throwing a little dry humping into the mix or doing some serious making out.
While both extracurriculars usually lead to the main event, you’re still connecting on a physical level even if they don’t every single time. “It's about promoting physical closeness, period,” says van Kirk.
It may sound counterintuitive, but van Kirk says she’s found that lowering your expectations for penetrative sex and orgasms usually leads to more enjoyable sex, more action as a whole, and more orgasms.
LEAD BY EXAMPLE
If you want it, initiate it. That’s the message van Kirk gives when she counsels people individually—and sometimes that’s all it takes to get into a more frequent groove.
"Lowering your expectations for penetrative sex and orgasms usually leads to more enjoyable sex."
If you’re getting regular push-back, though, and none of the other tactics work, it might be time to bring in a professional.