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The Loving FLR Community is growing. There are still more women than men but recently a man joined and he has been making use of the blog function. Members can create their own blog posts to be shared privately with Community members only. As I read his entries, I must admit I learn so much from him.
In a recent blog post he shared how he learned the meaning of women’s leadership while at a dance as a young boy. As he stood face to face with his first dance partner, he fumbled his footing and became frustrated. He lashed out emotionally at her for not being able to match her stride and she, a very capable leader, reminded him that they had practiced dance steps and they should just perform what they had practiced. He realized that she was right and calmed down immediately. They danced. They had a good time.
What did I learn from this blog post?
I realized that I allow men to lead me emotionally at times. If I was in that situation and some little boy lashed out at me aggressively I would have cursed his lil ass out and walked away, never to speak to him again. I have zero patience for aggression from men, especially since I have come from an emotionally abusive relationship in the past. I am automatically triggered by any sign of aggression from a man and I lash out 10 times harder and terminate the interaction permanently.
That’s not being a leader.
The young lady our Community Member danced with was a leader. Her objective was to have a nice dance with a nice boy and even when he seemed unable to deliver that, she led the situation where she wanted it to be. She led him.
Silly me. I allow aggressive men to lead me because they offer me aggression and I follow their lead and give it right back. I have to be more level headed. I have to recognize that I am the leader and I have to think about what I want from the situation instead of immediately terminating it.
I have to pause before I react and ask myself- What do I want to gain from this exchange? How can I lead this interaction there?
Men are not so different than women. They become frustrated and annoyed too. A soft nudge and a gentle reminder may be all they need to get back on track to the kindness that they want to convey to a woman in their presence.
I did this once. Yes. I did it. I met a man on an online dating site and as we spoke on the phone for the first time he began to rant about women from his past who have irritated him. I would normally curse his ass out and block him but for some reason I felt sorry for him. I interrupted his rant and offered him a lesson on how to get women to like him on online dating sites. I detailed all the things he said that were off putting and gave him a script of things to say which will get him a different result. I then demonstrated my advice by treating him in the way that I was teaching him to treat women. He listened. He recognized that I was demonstrating the correct behavior. He thanked me. He called me days later saying he had met someone really nice and my script and advice helped him score a first date when he had not been on ANY dates since every woman rejected him.
I led that situation and offered him peace of mind. I taught him how to be a Gentleman.
I can do it again. I just, have to deal with this yucky stuff from that past emotional abuse so that I can interact with men without feeling as though I am being attacked all of the time.Â As a leader I have to remind myself to cultivate the Gentleman in ALL men by correcting their behavior with poise and leading them in the right direction.
We cannot allow the emotions and frustrations from men to impact our emotional state. Our greatest choice in life is how we feel. If we allow someone else’s frustration to impact our emotions then we allow them to be the god in our lives. If we allow someone else’s abusive ways to pass on to us so that we treat others with the same abuse then we are allowing them to lead us. We have to take our leadership back.
We have to decide what we want from our interactions with men and then lead them to where we want to be instead of reacting to what they offer us.
I have to.
If I’m having a good day and some guy approaches me with frustration I have to step back, recognize that his emotions are his and not allow it to impact how I feel. No man is my leader. I have to remember that my leadership of my life isn’t limited to career, social and sexual choices. My leadership of my life means no man’s frustrations should lead to my frustration as well.