Dear People in Long-Term Relationships, Enjoy Your Lazy Sex Because Hookups While Single Are Hard AF

Editor’s Note: Taylor Andrews interviewed Madison,* a somewhat-newly-single 25-year-old woman. Here’s her take on getting back into the dating game.

Dear people in long-term relationships,

Enjoy your lazy sex. You may not realize that what you’re having is, in fact, lazy sex—but it is. Trust me. You know exactly how to curve your body to hit your O, you know exactly which spot on his shaft makes him convulse, and you do all of this while wearing your oversized, red-wine-stained T-shirt because it’s way easier than getting completely naked. Consider yourself lucky.

After moving to New York City two years ago, my boyf couldn’t handle the distance and we broke up. At first, I was excited to fully live out my Sex and the City fantasy (re: lots, and lots, and lots of wild sex discussed over brunch). But as I soon found out, instead of drunken make-outs and inadvertently burning my clitoris off from too many orgasms, I was… watching Netflix… and not “chillin.” With anyone.

Now that I’m single, I’m out here busting my ass trying to get reacquainted with new penises, and let me just say: It is hard work. My LTR really made my sex game weak. Needless to say, I needed a crash course in how to handle hookups as a single woman—especially after being spoiled by convenient and familiar sex (read: missionary with the TV on).

Here’s a lil bit about what my single thoughts have looked like since I’ve been ridin’ solo:


1. If someone lives further away than a five minute Uber, I will not be sleeping with them.

I already commute for work, I will not be commuting for dick unless it comes with a 401(k) and benefits.

2. I will not be sending nudes.

The thought of taking off my clothes and finding the right light sounds exhausting. Plus, January is so not the month for stripping down to send selfies to someone who is going to ghost you two weeks later. It’s just facts. Why is every single man so horny for nudes anyway? Isn’t there something like, I don’t know, porn for that?

3. “U up?” texts will receive a response in approximately 8-10 hours.

I’m always down for late night karaoke or a good old fashioned girl’s night, but I’m sorry, dick just won’t keep me awake at 3 a.m. If a match plans ahead, I might let them come over and bang me at 8 p.m. on a Friday, but no promises. I’m tired.

4. Wait, I’m expected to get on top?

Would men believe I can’t get on top because I have vertigo? Due to serious—and I mean serious—health concerns, I shall remain on my back for all durations of sex. If he’s really, really persistent (and cute), I suppose I could be convinced of flipping over to my stomach for doggy.

5. There’s no guarantee your new dude’s dick will rise to the occasion.

At a recent one night stand, this dude had a hard time… well, getting hard. I assured him it was nbd, these things happen when you’re single and drinking a lot of whiskey on first dates, right? His response: Thirty seconds of half-hearted finger-jabbing my vagina before asking for a blowjob. My response: Clothes on and in an Uber within five minutes. This sucks.

6. Sleeping with a friend seems like the easiest move.

Despite the potential drama, heartbreak, and stress I could potentially cause by going after my friend, I went with an out of sight, out of mind mentality. (Looks like being single also makes you a clown). Since we already knew each other, we skipped past the unnecessary date and small talk. And hey, it wasn’t so bad…

Sooo… yeah, single life is interesting. Coming out of a long-term relationship can be daunting with so many potential partners and opportunities to get it on. I mean, how does one know which people (and positions) are worth investing time and energy into?

But FWIW: Not alllll of my experiences were terrible. Between the Hinge date that led to four orgasms, and the friend of a friend who was, the single life has certainly had its moments.

The good news: One night you’ll be ready to get back out there and get on top. Until then, lean into your lazy sex life and get it on with your shirt still on. It’s okay. Promise.


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