If you haven’t gotten it on in several months, or God help us, even longer, your brain and body have to brace themselves as you open your lady business for, um, business.
And once you’re back in the action, finally breaking that uncomfortably long-ass dry spell, your mind tends to wander a bit.
Check out 14 mind-blowing facts about orgasms in our animated video:
Here, seven thoughts a lot of women are bound to have while finally making the magic happen after a severely prolonged sexless slump:
1. “Ouch. Did my hymen regenerate itself?”
It hurts so good, right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. Seriously, has sex always been this painful? You manage to squawk some “ooos” and “ahhs” and pray he can’t decipher between breathless squeals of pleasure versus those of straight-up pain. Might need a few more rounds to get the ol’ lady parts back up to snuff when this happens.
2. “This would have been over when his shirt came off if I had semen.”
It’s times like these when you’re grateful to have the more complicated climax of the sexes. You know, the kind that only you can confirm actually happened.
3. “I have no idea where to put my hands right now.”
You vacillate between grabbing butt cheeks and rubbing a scapula. Maybe you should pull hair? Wait, people like that, right?! Bumpin’ uglies is indeed not like riding a bike.
4. “Wow, sex is awesome.”
This is when you start to wonder how on earth you let this much time go by without humping another human. Birds start happily chirping and rainbows usually shine through the windows during this “aha” moment. Color Me Badd might instantaneously appear singing, “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Anything is possible.
5. “Definitely gonna need more foreplay next time.”
You were so anxious to get cooking, you forgot how important it is to preheat the oven. Nothing worse than throwing yourself back into the game without a proper warm-up. It’s like you’re just begging to pull a muscle.
6. “Hope this condom hasn’t expired.”
Do condoms expire? (Hint: yes.) Should you perhaps keep a variety of brands and sizes in stock? That’s some pre-sack research you should definitely stay up to speed on—Lord knows you had plenty of time to read up on it when sleeping solo night after night for weeks on end.
7. “Is my yard in good shape?”
By “yard,” we mean “pubic hair,” and by “in shape,” we mean shaved, waxed, plucked or afro-status. Whatever it is, you need to feel confident and comfortable upon clothing removal. It’s easy to slack off on maintenance procedures when the only person seeing your lower mane on the reg is you.