Volcano-erupting, flower-blooming, firework-exploding makeup sex is usually one of the few good things to come from a bickering match with your guy. But if that glorious nookie comes before you've actually worked out your issues, it's not a good thing. "Makeup sex should be exactly that: You've made up and now want to show it through being loving and sexual with one another," says board-certified clinical psychologist Debra Laino. The devil is in the details, people.
Here, five signs that makeup sex won't lead to sexual healing (like, at all).
1. You’re Still Pissed Off
"Angry sex isn't intimate sex, nor does it bring people closer together," says clinical sexologist Dawn Michael, Ph.D., author of My Husband Won't Have Sex With Me. "Typically one person is hurt and has no other way of dealing with it, so they think that having sex will make the problem go away."
Spoiler alert: It won't. Skipping straight to sex can hurt your relationship in the long run by creating a giant wall of unspoken feelings between you. "Make up first, then be intimate with one another," says Michael. No more anger banging.
2. You’re Using It to Avoid a Real Conversation
Okay, so dealing with emotions can sometimes feel icky. But if you use sex to reconnect without stomping out the conflict first, this false sense of intimacy can leave you feeling sad, distant, or lonely after your romp is over, says clinical psychologist Rebekah Montgomery, Ph.D.
"Using sex to make up can make you and your partner connect fighting and anger with intimacy," she adds. That can turn your relationship into a full-blown roller coaster (complete with screaming and nausea).
3. You’re Definition of Makeup Sex is Different Than Your Partner’s
Your S.O. might think makeup sex equals a clean slate, but you should speak up if things still feel unresolved after the fact, says Laino. Otherwise, you may end up more annoyed than ever. "Women can sometimes feel post-sex resentment (not to mention used) if they give in before there's a true resolution to the problem," she says. Long story short, make sure you're on the same page before getting jiggy with it.
"Regardless of how ah-mazing the grand finale might be, manipulating arguments for sex is usually a sign of an unhealthy relationship."
4. It's the Only Sex You’re Having
Makeup sex is super hot, but it's not the only type of rendezvous that should be on your resumÃƒÂ©. If you're using it as a crutch to fire up an otherwise blasÃƒÂ© sex life, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.
"Regardless of how ah-mazing the grand finale might be, manipulating arguments for sex is usually a sign of an unhealthy relationship," says Laino. Plus, you're essentially training your big O to be a no-show when your relationship's going well—and who wants that?
5. You’re Having Makeup Sex to Keep Your S.O. in the Relationship
"This is a common occurrence when one person feels that the other is going to leave the relationship," says Michael. But this move will only work for so long, especially if the other person really is done. When you use sex as a way to delay the inevitable, you're only causing each other more hurt and pain in the long run—so, you know, stop it.