The New York Times recently published a list of 27 qualities that writer Brian Lombardi says make a man “modern.” They range from the "sure, why not?" such as: "The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch." To the: "The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere."
Well, Brian, we've made a list of our own for you and your Kenneth Cole oxford-wearing brethren. Please take note of these 27 ways to be a modern man…in bed:
1. The modern man thoroughly washes his junk prior to any sexual encounter. He fully understands a woman cannot adequately service a rank undercarriage.
2. Aware of how a woman is severely repulsed by linens reeking of fried food and bed funk, a modern man always has clean sheets.
3. The modern man always makes a reservation if he’s gunning for post-dinner sex, especially on weekend nights.
4. The modern man compliments a woman’s physical appearance excessively when she disrobes in his presence.
5. An enormous fan of going out to eat downtown, the modern man always takes care of his woman’s pleasure prior to his own.
6. The modern man does a few pushups. He isn’t a body builder but he knows strong shoulders are certainly never shunned.
7. While a well-groomed beard is appreciated from time to time, the modern man doesn’t let sh*t get so grizzly his partner can smell his lunch when they kiss.
8. The modern man adores a good make-out session and remembers to always shower the neck, chest, and ear lobes with affection.
9. Despite any primary preference for butts, the modern man gives equal attention to breasts. And vice-versa.
10. Oral hygiene is of upmost importance. Therefore, the modern man keeps his grill gleaming at all times. Brushing, flossing, tongue scraping, and gargling are required.
11. The modern man simply will not rest until his woman has an orgasm.
12. The modern man asks for permission prior to any sort of contact with his partner’s anal cavity. He will happily eat the booty, but only if all parties approve.
13. If a woman rightly insists on using a condom, the modern man will go to the ends of the earth to find a version that best suits his penis and still allows him to maintain adequate sexual fervor.
14. The modern man warns a woman when he is nearing ejaculation. No one likes a surprise on the job.
15. The modern man gives massages with the detail-oriented precision of a professional masseuse and the unbridled passion of an intimate lover.
16. When a woman is ready for spontaneous intercourse in a public arena, the modern man is more than willing to accommodate her and secure a discreet location.
17. The modern man often knows he might have difficulty performing should he pleasure himself prior to bedding his woman, so he plans accordingly. A willing woman and a soft penis are nevera good combination.
18. The modern man tries to eat relatively healthy. Nothing turns a woman off more than Taco Bell gorditas seeping out of one’s pores and/or breath post-sex.
19. Always keeping fresh towels handy, the modern man immediately cleans up after himself following the expulsion of sperm.
20. Although he might express a particular fondness for certain styles, the modern man grants his woman free reign to maintain her pubic hair as she sees fit.
21. The modern man makes every viable effort to understand the female anatomy. If he must buy radar equipped to find the clitoris, so be it.
22. The modern man is happy to watch a pornographic film of his woman’s choosing, even if said film is The Notebook.
23. What woman enjoys a mid-sex leg clawing? The modern man consistently keeps his toenails clipped and clean.
24. The modern man is flexible with post-coital cuddling. He is perfectly willing to forego or engage depending on his partner’s current preferences.
25. The modern man is willing to experiment with food in the bedroom but always does extensive research regarding which delicacies are best suited for naked time.
26. The modern man will bone in the shower but understands the limitations of doing so.
27. The modern man does not shun eye contact during intercourse but will happily avert his eyes if that’s just too damn much intimacy for his partner.