16 Hilarious Sex Quotes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

While sex is one of the most talked about human interactions ever, it's not always the sexy, slow-mo montage of limbs you see in the movies. Here, the most relatable quotes about sex guaranteed to make anyone laugh.

1. Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz told Cosmopolitan in 2005: "The best time of day for sex is anytime because it's sex."

2. Amy Schumer

In a Cosmopolitan.com interview: "Sometimes I really just do feel like a fucking mess and slutty and out of control. And sometimes I feel like, "Oh my god, I haven't had sex in months and I'm not looking to and I just want to watch Downton Abbey in bed and make tea for myself." That's not an exaggeration. Right now, I'm like, "That sounds amazing."

3. Mae West

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”

4. Megan Fox

In an interview with FHM, Fox told a reporter, "I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I'd rather have sex with Brian all the time than leave the house. He doesn't mind."

5. Angelina Jolie

Jolie told British GQ in 2000, "I need more sex, OK? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world."

6. Rihanna

Rihanna told Rolling Stone in 2011 about sexting: "When you're not with the person you want to be intimate with, a picture is the next best thing. Well, Skype is safer. But a picture lasts a long time. When you're alone, and those horny moments come up, pictures can be very handy."

7. Samantha Jones, Sex and the City

"The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don't know how to screw you."

8. Coach Carr, Mean Girls

In hindsight everyone knows that this is fear-mongering and exaggerated AF, but Coach Carr's iconic speech will forever remain a testament to how awful sex-ed was. "Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant. And die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK? Promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers."

9. Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

"Lovers? Oh that word bums me out unless it's between 'meat' and 'pizza'."

10. Dwight Schrute, The Office

"I love catching people in the act, that's why I always whip open doors."

11. Aziz Ansari

"I see people my age getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like 'What the fuck was I doing with this sweater?'" – from Buried Alive

12. Amy Schumer (again)

"The difference between sex and love is I've never come from love." – from Esquire, 2015

13. Billy Crystal

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

14. Suze Orman

"Women fake orgasms, men fake finances."

15. Mindy Lahiri

"People seem to be having these awesome sex lives and I'm just trying to find a life partner to go apple-picking with. What's wrong with me?"

16. Margaret Cho

"My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex–ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant."


This post was published in June, 2017 and has been updated.

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