1. Ghosting women IRL and then haunting their stories only confuses and annoys them more. Dear men I haven’t talked to since 2015 when you abruptly ended the convo before we ever even went on a date: why are you like this? What are you searching for in EVERY SINGLE ONE of my Insta stories?? Your window has closed, sir.
2. Liking 12 photos in a row is not even remotely as subtle as you seem to think it is. For every woman stealthily digging through a crush’s Instagram paranoid about double-tapping, there’s a guy she met at a party once aggressively liking every selfie so she’ll know that He Is Into Her.
3. DMing women you barely know to tell them they’re hot never works! It’s always creepy! That low-cut jumpsuit shot was either for A.) myself or B.) myself and ok fine,] someone I actually know and like. But it's definitely not for some rando who thinks leading with “heyyyyy your sexyyy :)” actually works.
4. Meeting me on Tinder and then adding me on Insta RIGHT AWAY is the least chill. Look, I am the first to admit that I absolutely check out every available detail of a guy before I go on a date with him. But the cardinal rule is you don’t have to let the other person know that you’re probably scoping out their ex’s profile right now — in fact, it is deeply preferred that you do not!
5. Texting me a photo and then posting it immediately after feels like the greatest betrayal. Expectation: you sent a funny dog pic just to send to me in the hopes of making me feel special and thought-of. Reality: You sent it to five people to test the waters and crowdsourced the caption from your actually-funny friend.
6. Using the tackiest filters — you know the ones — is a turnoff. Your chip dip doesn’t need a dramatic vignette! This dude is both lazy and tragically stuck in 2013.
7. Storying the most random, boring things is worse than not storying at all. OMFG, no one cares about your sad desk lunch that you don’t realize is sad!
8. Having ridiculously long Insta bios immediately sets off the “majorly insecure douche” alarm in every woman’s brain. He’s an entrepreneur/freelance photographer/comedian/volunteer cat feeder who also happens to be 6’3”. Ladies, are you swooning yet?
9. Overusing hashtags on every mediocre photo makes you look, well, mediocre. Yeah, hashtags can help you gain followers but you do not need 20 for the same Golden Gate Bridge shot three other people took at the same time as you.
10. Writing captions that don’t mean anything doesn’t make women think you’re mysterious. Quoting an obscure Sufjan lyric on a blurry photo of your cat isn't deep!
11. Taking photos in the app itself is such a newbie move. A guy who has the ability take as many non-square photos as he wants before patiently selecting one, but chooses to instead hastily take a photo through the app and slap it onto his profile with no editing is unworthy of Instagram updates post 2014. He also cannot be trusted to ever take a nice photo of you.
12. Posting a #WCW of someone who isn’t your girlfriend is really bizarre, my dude. Everyone knows #wcw is just a cute way for a boyfriend to give his partner a well-deserved shoutout. So LOL to you earnestly announcing that Janelle MonÃ¡e is your woman crush, as if she’s not EVERYONE’S woman crush.
13. Following a bunch of models and actively liking all their pics makes you look like the opposite of boyfriend material. Why yes, prospective love interest, you exclusively liking model influencers’ beach body shots makes me feel assured that you really want to get to know me for my personality.
14. Picking the WORST angle when your girlfriend asks for a portrait is lame as hell. I found a perfect mural on a sunny, windless day while wearing my best summer romper, and you still manage to fuck it up by cropping out the top of my head. Honestly, it’s a unique talent to mess up this bad.
15. Writing emotionless captions in your couple selfie while your girlfriend pours her heart out in hers makes you a dick! Downplaying every photo of the woman you’re supposed to love with a poop emoji or “she’s cool” negates the entire point of publicly posting a pic of your partner (seriously— why even bother?) Plus, it sucks doubly if said girlfriend just spent time on a gushy valentine’s day blurb on hers. I think everyone can agree: she deserves better.
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