1. He watches all your stories but never actually talks to you. It’s been three days since you texted him about hanging out, but he’s been too busy clicking through EVERY ONE of your IG stories to respond to you? If his behavior is this confusing already, it’ll get even weirder when he officially ghosts but then likes a string of your photos six months later.
2. He pretty much only takes photos of himself. Sure, everyone knows from experience that anything with your face in it usually garners more likes than even the prettiest Parisian landscape. But does it always have to be about some arbitrary, gamified self-rating system? Like, can’t he just see you looking cute and post a gushy pic because he loves you, without thinking about how a couple pic would score more likes?
3. He writes long, overwrought, pseudo-philosophical captions on everything. This is embarrassing even if he is an influencer with thousands of followers. Having to wait 40 minutes at a cliffside so he can write about the importance of unplugging and tag every hiking brand is so much worse than being a seventh wheel at all your friends’ dinners, trust me.
4. He posts or DMs you reeeeeally bad memes. Instagram is full of good memes! If he picks the ones that are genuinely unfunny/mean-spirited/sexist, you know that his sense of humor IRL won’t turn you on, either. Besides, there are better uses of your time than doing mental gymnastics to convince yourself that the “joke” he just sent isn’t super offensive.
5. Or he never actually messages you anything back. Get you a man who’ll send you every corgi puppy video he comes across. Ban guys who barely respond to your messages and never send anything back.
6. He adds hashtags to get likes and then DELETES THEM AFTER. Unless he’s a fitness or lifestyle blogger who does this to actually make money, this attempt to seem effortlessly cool while exerting an ironic amount of effort is, uh, lame as hell. No one cares about your beer flight, Stan!
7. He stories every vaguely interesting thing he does. This Valentine’s Day, opt to not spend it with someone who has to painstakingly story every part of a 4-course meal. Yes, this app was created entirely for bragging, but you gotta tone it down a little, buddy. Especially because truly and honestly, no one’s interested in your food.
8. He says things like “gotta keep up my follower-to-following ratio” out loud, with complete seriousness. Lots of people on Instagram secretly care a little too much, but the key is to admit that it’s a colossal waste of brain space to actively worry about your follower engagement or story views (unless, again, it’s an actual job). If he talks about keeping track of who unfollows him or compulsively checks his likes without a hint of shame, this man will not survive the apocalypse, or any real world problem.
9. He Insta-stalks his exes a little too much. Hey, everyone’s done the “I’m drunk and totally happy in life but just for the heck of it, lemme deep dive into my ex-from-three-years-ago’s tagged Instas and hope I don’t double tap on his new girlfriend.” It doesn’t have to be anything deeper than you’re just curious, and it’s right there. But if your S.O. has the overwhelming urge to constantly make fun of whatever his ex just posted or hunches over when he watches her stories, there’s definitely something up.
10. He almost exclusively likes pics of random Instagram models. It’s one thing to prefer sexy pics on Instagram over actual porn. The honest-to-God bizarro part is LIKING the photo, so that everyone knows he saw it. Why, dude??? Do you think the model will see your <3 and care? Do you want the girl you’re dating to feel intimidated by the other women you find hot? (If anyone can answer this for me, feel free to email — I have questions).
11. He rolls his eyes every time you ask him to take a nice photo of you. The women who have personal photographer boyfriends (or just ones who try) are the truly lucky ones in this world. They have no time for dudes who take three slightly-blurry, off-center shots and act like you owe them endless meek apologies in exchange for the most minimal amount of work imaginable. There’s no shame in feeling gorgeous and wanting to capture it, and the last person who should judge you is a guy who thinks Instagram is for dramatically-vignetted pics of TV football games.
12. He never posts pics with you. Unless there’s a pre-discussed, rational reason for him wanting to keep his love life so private, this just comes off as either him wanting to seem single, or him just not being excited enough about the relationship to ever want a couple photo. It could very well be neither, but seeing other guys proudly share selfies with their girlfriends can hurt when yours never seems to factor you in.
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