It was 8:30 p.m. on New Year's Eve eve, and after having a late dinner with my fiancÃƒÂ©, she and I headed upstairs to watch some reality TV.
But instead of watching My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, we had very rough, possibly over-enthusiastic sex.
The sex itself was great, but while we were in reverse cowgirl position, something happened—something horrible. While we were in the middle of sex, I heard an audible crack.
I immediately went soft and felt a sharp pain emanating from the base of my cock. Alarmed, I quickly shimmied myself off the bed and reluctantly hit the light switch, afraid of what I was about to see. Lo and behold, there it was in all its swollen glory: my very injured penis.
My genitals looked as if I was smuggling a small water balloon in my scrotum and part of it crept up to my shaft. Although my boner used to confidently point straight forward as if declaring, “I want YOU for the U.S. Army,” it now curved to the right. (Help things go smoother with this organic lube from the Women's Health Boutique.)
Right after it happened, my dick didn’t really hurt, despite it looking horrible. Instead of a sharp pain, my injury just felt incredibly warm and achy, as if I’d torn a muscle.
After scoping out the freezer for an ice pack, my fiancÃƒÂ© opened her laptop to determine how serious this was, but found nothing helpful.
After her frantic search, she looked down at me, seated on the couch with a pack of frozen edamame on my balls, and we both laughed. It was funny, right? I broke my boner! Despite never having broken a bone in my body, I somehow broke my penis.
About 20 minutes later, my fiancÃƒÂ© went to bed because she had to be up early for work and there was nothing she could possibly do to help me at that point. So I texted my buddy about what just transpired.
“I think I fractured my cock,” I wrote. “It’s literally purple—and now I don’t know if I should go to emergency or wait until tomorrow.”
“No!!!!” he said. “No no no no no no no."
By 10:44 p.m. the same night, the base of my penis looked like it had a black eye. My dick was also much girthier than it was before. I didn’t mind that side effect, but at this point I was certain that my ailment was getting worse.
After doing some reading, I found out that this sort of injury is considered serious if there is blood in your urine. So I went to the bathroom and there was no blood. Thank God. Then I went to bed, resolving to visit the walk-in clinic as soon as I woke up.
Never in the mood lately? Watch a hot doc explain why you have a low sex drive:
Come morning, the dark bruising had completely eclipsed my dick. There was maybe a nickel-sized amount of skin that wasn't bruised. Though it looked really bad, it didn't hurt as bad as you'd think. Unlike an actual broken bone, the pain was more of a dull ache.
At this point, the color was a deep purple and my balls were even darker.
When I got to the clinic at 8 a.m. on New Year’s Eve, it was pretty busy. Eventually I was taken to a solo room, where the nurse asked me what I was here for. “It’s kind of embarrassing,” I said. “I think I fractured my penis.”
She then politely stifled her laughter and said “Oh.” Then there was an awkward silence. She jotted something down on her notepad and left the room.
“You poor thing,” said the doctor as she walked in. “So...do you want to see it?” I asked. The answer in her heart was probably no, but her obligation as a doctor was yes. I pulled down my pants and apprehensively presented my mutant penis.
“Have you ever seen anything like this before?” I asked as she inspected from afar. “No,” she said politely, looking slightly disgusted, though I could tell she was trying her best not to.
She told me there was nothing we could do at the moment, no x-rays, tests, or anything were required. I’d just have to wait for my dick to heal itself. She said that the outer lining of my penis had been torn and the rush of blood that keeps my erection erect had nowhere else to go, hence the bruising.
I went home and spent the majority of the day with an ice pack on my delicate package. Later that night, I celebrated the closing of 2016 with my new, blue penis, hopeful that in 2017 it would return back to its pinkish hue.
Nearly three weeks later, my penis returned to normal. The bruising completely cleared up and it only hurts a bit from time to time, but hopefully that will go away in the future. The hardest part of all this was that my fiancÃƒÂ© and I had to wait roughly three weeks before having sex again. Though, after week two, I very carefully (and successfully) masturbated.
My takeaway: Reverse cowgirl, a position I once revered, can be very dangerous.